Two worlds, but really, neither

This was inspired by all those in this struggle...

Living in two worlds, but really…neither.

Finding it difficult to hold space in either one

Not fully being accepted

Not straight enough, not gay enough

Don’t look white, but not black enough

Not fully male, but not female

Not American enough, but not Persian enough

Not rich, but not poor enough

Never sure which box to check

Not quite fitting in society’s prescribed labels

It makes people uncomfortable

They don’t know what to do with you,

what to think of you…

But I’m here to tell you, you aren’t a label

You don’t belong in a box

You are enough

You are beautiful

And you’re accepted

And fully known by the One

Who knitted you together in the womb.

Five Minute Friday- Unite

Five Minute Friday-- write for five minutes on the word prompt.  This week's word:

 

Unite

I immediately thought of the church and honestly didn’t feel like going down that path.  The next thought I had was of this clean-eating and exercise challenge I am about to begin.   I had the opportunity to do this before and couldn’t commit to it.   I did an elimination diet and went it alone and it was SO difficult.  But now, I am doing this challenge with some of my closest friends and my husband.  We are going to hold each other accountable and cheer each other on.  We are in this together.  United for our health.  I have a feeling I am going to be much more successful this time around because I’m not going it alone.  I am united with friends—we care about ourselves and each other and will make sure we are all staying on track.  This week may be extreme, but it will give me the kickstart I need to steer me on the healthy path I should be following.  I will be much more likely to choose an apple over a cookie and exercise over sitting on the couch when I know there are others caring about my health instead of just myself.  Let’s all be united for the common good and hold each other accountable in love. 

 

My five minutes is up J  What are your thoughts on “united?”  How do you stay healthy and active?

Five Minute Friday-- EASY

Getting back into the Five Minute Friday-- follow the writing prompt and free write for 5 minutes, no editing, just writing, just five minutes.  Just like this week's word: EASY.

https://www.facebook.com/fiveminutefriday

 

 

Isn’t it easy how instantly you can fall right back into a rhythm with someone you haven’t seen in a while?  I am always amazed when I see an old friend and it’s like a day hasn’t passed.  A few years ago I reconnected with my friend Dana.  It had been nearly 10 years since we hung out and the day was effortless.  It felt like we were our 16-year old selves again --older, wiser, but still our silly selves.  It was beautiful to spend that time together and if we were to get together again I know it would be the same.  The same is true with my friend Kelsey.  We’ve been friends all our lives.  We grew up seeing each other once a week at church.  Now we see each other a couple times a year when our crazy schedules allow and seriously, it’s like a conversation that just picks up where we last left off.  Completely comfortable, familiar, we could finish each other sentences.  Time apart doesn’t matter or hurt our friendship, it’s always been kind of built into it.  Yesterday two of my dear, dear friends from seminary came over.  One I see every few months, the other I’ve only seen a handful of times since we graduated four years ago.  My heart was SINGING being together again with them.  It was as the prompt says, “easy” but more than that, it was HEALING.   Do you have friends who it is easy to be around no matter how much time has passed?  I hope you do.  I am so thankful for mine. 

 

Five Minute Friday (or Sunday): WHOLE

On my old blog, I used to participate in Lisa Jo Baker's five minute Friday posts.  She would give a prompt word and then we would free write, no editing, just writing for five minutes.  She passed this baton onto Kate Motaung since then. Friday's word was WHOLE.

WHOLE

Whole is being one with nature.  Whole is understanding your place and living full into it.  Whole is finding healing and forgiveness (and being able to forgive).  Wholeness is a journey which we are never finished.  It is not something that we one day achieve and then can coast from here on out.  It is something to maintain with vigilant self-care.  It isn't easy to find wholeness in this world.  It takes diligence in caring for mind-body-soul.  ALL THREE.  We can't skimp in any department because then it wouldn't truly be WHOLENESS.  It would be part-ness.  I've been on a journey toward wholeness for a long time.  I haven't achieved it yet.  Everyday I come closer (and some days farther away). But I don't give up.  I know it's possible to achieve it and so I never give up hope.  

There is wholeness for you.  There is wholeness for me.   And I'm not sure if we can achieve it individually.  Can we truly be whole apart from each other-- or without one another?  Can I truly be whole if my neighbor is not?   That is something to ponder for another day because my five minutes are up. 

What are your thoughts on wholeness? 

If a Voice Speaks Truth, it Doesn't Matter What it Sounds Like.

 

Self-worth is an everyday struggle for me and for a lot of us.   My big struggle currently is not being “enough” as a pastor.  Not being old enough, male enough, smart enough, not having enough faith, you get the picture.   When people meet me, 90% of the time their reaction is, “YOU’RE THE PASTOR?? You’re so young!”  This comment helps to knock my self-worth down a notch and make the perfectionist in me rear her ugly head and want to prove myself.  This helps to create the extraordinary pressure I put on myself to please everyone else.  This knocks me off course of living authentically, and makes my anxiety level skyrocket. 

I have learned over the years the only way to combat this is self-care, self-care, self-care.  How I go about self-care varies.  One favorite anxiety reducer of mine is guided meditation.  Today, I put on a guided meditation by Lacy Young.   I just found her work.  When I pushed play and heard her voice, she sounded like a 20-some-year old woman.  Immediately, I thought, “Oh how is she going to help?  What is she going to teach me?  She’s sounds just like me.”  And then I stood aghast at what I just thought.

In her book, “Rising Strong,” Brene Brown talks about how we make up stories.  When we don’t know something, our minds fill in the gaps.  When I hear people say, “You’re the pastor?  You’re so young!”  My mind fills in, “How is she going to help? What is she going to teach me?”  Some people may very well be thinking that, but others may not.  They may be thinking, “You go, girl!” “Wow, it’s amazing you’ve accomplished this much for your age.” Those are not the stories my mind makes up though, my mind makes up the worst.  

But an amazing thing happened today.  I gave Lacy a chance, I listened to the guided meditation and do you know what happened?  Half way through, I was thinking, “Wow, this is a great meditation, this is really helping.”  Then life did one of those slow-down moment kind of things and I realized, “If a voice speaks truth, it doesn’t matter what it sounds like.”  The words I was hearing were words of healing.  They were words that I needed to hear, words that spoke truth to my inmost being and while they did, I lost all sense of the voice they were coming from.  It didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter who she was or what she sounded like.  The voice was irrelevant, all that mattered were the words and I thought, “I wonder if this is how people feel about my preaching.”  Maybe it started out as, “Ugh, what can she teach me?”  And it turned into, “It doesn’t matter what she looks or sounds like, I’m being fed.”

Today’s meditation stripped down a layer of my self-unworthiness.  Today’s meditation reminded me that I need to be less hard on myself and others and not be so quick to judge and not be so quick to think others are judging me.  Today’s meditation taught me: if a voice speaks truth, it doesn’t matter what it sounds like.  Next, I have to battle the inner gremlin who is saying, “yeah, you just figured this out?”  So what stories are you making up?  How can you be more gracious and gentle with yourself and others?   Feel free to share your stories in the comments!

Thoughts Recorded During a Panic Attack.

---When we know we are not alone, we find healing----

So often anxiety and depression feel isolating because we think we are the only ones who feel the way we feel.  We feel less than, separate, different, "other." I'm baring the deep stuff here-- my hope in sharing this with you is so those who struggle with anxiety know that they aren't alone and those who don't, can have an insight into how it feels, so you can empathize with those of us who do. 


This was written the day before I had to preach on Easter.

Paralyzed by fear.
I want to run.
I want to hide,
escape by any means necessary.
I don't want to feel this vulnerability,
this uncertainty of tomorrow
is taking my body and mind
captive.
Standing in front of a room full of people
makes me feel sick.
I feel stuck, like there's
no escape.
I can't run, I can't hide.
I have to stand.
I have to speak.
I have to stand in the
vulnerability
and subject myself to
judgement and rejection.
It feels like someone
has a tight grip on my stomach.
Squeezing
Twisting.
I can't stand to have senses.
Every noise, scent, taste, feeling and sight
bothers me.
I want to jump out of my skin.
I want to crawl under the covers and
hide from the world.
My nerves are firing on full blast.
The tension builds and builds
until I can't take it anymore. 
My limbs are flailing
I am about to cry, scream or vomit.
The world is spinning around me,
I'm alone in this bubble of misery-
on display for all to see.
-When it's over,
when I've said my piece,
when I get to walk down the aisle to freedom,
I feel like I am going to collapse.
Relief washes over me.
My legs want to buckle,
my eyes want to close,
my stomach unclenches,
I am exhausted, spent, can't move.
-But I'm not there yet,
I'm still in the waiting
which is like the long ride
up to the top of the rollercoaster.
Lord have mercy.
Not my will, but thine. 


What is interesting about anxiety is when it's over.  It's like being a completely different person.  When I went back and read this on Monday, I was like, "wow, who is this person?  I really felt that bad?"  When you're in that relief state, it's hard to remember how bad it was.  But it's good to read this, to remind myself to keep up with self-care and self-discovery so these times can come fewer and farther between.  I hope this helps whoever is reading it.  Blessings to you.

New Blog!

For some reason Google does not recognize me as the author of my old blog: "Learning to Grow, Daring to Love" (which I haven't written in in over a year).   So I created a new one!  New phase in my life, new blog?   I hope the words that flow onto these pages inspire you, heal you, help you grow and warm your heart.  Welcome!