Thoughts Recorded During a Panic Attack.

---When we know we are not alone, we find healing----

So often anxiety and depression feel isolating because we think we are the only ones who feel the way we feel.  We feel less than, separate, different, "other." I'm baring the deep stuff here-- my hope in sharing this with you is so those who struggle with anxiety know that they aren't alone and those who don't, can have an insight into how it feels, so you can empathize with those of us who do. 


This was written the day before I had to preach on Easter.

Paralyzed by fear.
I want to run.
I want to hide,
escape by any means necessary.
I don't want to feel this vulnerability,
this uncertainty of tomorrow
is taking my body and mind
captive.
Standing in front of a room full of people
makes me feel sick.
I feel stuck, like there's
no escape.
I can't run, I can't hide.
I have to stand.
I have to speak.
I have to stand in the
vulnerability
and subject myself to
judgement and rejection.
It feels like someone
has a tight grip on my stomach.
Squeezing
Twisting.
I can't stand to have senses.
Every noise, scent, taste, feeling and sight
bothers me.
I want to jump out of my skin.
I want to crawl under the covers and
hide from the world.
My nerves are firing on full blast.
The tension builds and builds
until I can't take it anymore. 
My limbs are flailing
I am about to cry, scream or vomit.
The world is spinning around me,
I'm alone in this bubble of misery-
on display for all to see.
-When it's over,
when I've said my piece,
when I get to walk down the aisle to freedom,
I feel like I am going to collapse.
Relief washes over me.
My legs want to buckle,
my eyes want to close,
my stomach unclenches,
I am exhausted, spent, can't move.
-But I'm not there yet,
I'm still in the waiting
which is like the long ride
up to the top of the rollercoaster.
Lord have mercy.
Not my will, but thine. 


What is interesting about anxiety is when it's over.  It's like being a completely different person.  When I went back and read this on Monday, I was like, "wow, who is this person?  I really felt that bad?"  When you're in that relief state, it's hard to remember how bad it was.  But it's good to read this, to remind myself to keep up with self-care and self-discovery so these times can come fewer and farther between.  I hope this helps whoever is reading it.  Blessings to you.